'Unlocking the Closet' Excerpt | Experiences Of LGB Kashmiri Muslims

“It was agonizingly painful; I was taught that the concept of homosexuality is limited to non-existence in both Islam and Kashmir. I was confused and would cry on prayer mat and ask Allah why this is happening to me, why only me? Life was extremely challenging, and I thought do I merit this? I could not express anything related to my sexuality to anyone. I was living a secret dual life. I prayed! I had a conversation with Allah, expressed my anguish and told Him to guide me. I told Him, if my sexuality was a deviation then give me any indication. But I didn’t receive any sign. At this point in my life, it has only been a couple of years since I’ve processed being queer Muslim.”   

During the course of our interview Asra repeatedly mentioned that she ‘cried on the prayer mat’ ♊emphasized that she continuously prayed and talked to Allah whenever she felt disturbed.  Her account indicates that Allah’s acceptance of her sexual desire is significant to her, asking Allah for any indication to figure out if her sexuality was deviant. As God never gave her a sign that precluded her sexuality, her belief in an accepting God was strengthened. She has processed being queer and Muslim and is very comfortable with the identity.  Asra asserted that she had a difficult time accepting her queer Muslim identity and the dual fake secret life that she was living had devastating impact on her overall wellbeing.   

༺The significance of Religion and divine creator, as expressed by Asra and Omer, exhibit how religion is entangled with sexual identity. Omer’s divine experience at Kaaba and Asra’s association with Allah is elucidated as their validation of both their identities (Queer as well as Muslim). One identity illuminates the other identity. The negotiations between their faith and sexuality have changed their embodiment of religion as a complex entity.   

Another participant, Rubeena, maintained that the family values in Kashmir which are predominantly influenced by culture and to some extent by Islam are central to her multiple identities. She stated that “in my family the Islamic family value system was important not the religion in itself” 🐼Rubeena’s account reveals how her Islamic family values have designed both her Muslim identity and queer identity. It is pertinent to highlight her experience of incongruity with her Muslim identity as it pertains to her cultural, political and religious context:   

“My relationship with Islam while growing up was quite traumatic. I never felt like I fit in, but at the same time, it was the part of my identity. So I was always in limbo. In my Muslim circles, I felt like an outsider because I didn’t fill the requirements of how a Muslim should act and be. In Kashmir, religion, politics and culture are intertwined. Religion is not private. The strict cultural and religious values limit my freedom. The armed conflict is yet another barrier. I know that my family will never know who I really am because of the hostile attitude towards LGBT community.”  

🉐Rubeena clearly describes how she feels caught between her sexual identity, armed conflict and the religious traditions. The hostile attitude towards LGBTQIA community in Kashmir is her greatest concern. She further told me that the fear of being exposed as a queer person and the subsequent reaction of her family troubled her for years together. Her fear of being killed by her family on knowing about her same sex sexuality made her anxious. As she grew older she felt that she needs to know more about her culture and Islam:  

“I started reading from all queer sensitive sources and realised that Islam doesn’t prohibit my sexuality. Still I don’t reveal my sexuality anywhere. I have not kept any traces of my sexuality on social media accounts that could expose me. I feel something could happen to me anytime.”  

🃏Rubeena’s conflict started sinking once she started reading from what she calls as ‘queer sensitive sources’. She concluded that Islam really doesn’t proscribe same sex sexuality.  Subsequently, she found the peace by negotiating between her sexuality and religion.  

(This excerpt has been taken with the permission of Dr. Aijaz Ahmad Bund, an LGBT activist and professor from Kashmir, and the author of 'Unlocking the Closet: Lived Experiences of LGB Kashmiri Muslims')